Breastfeeding 1. Mama 0. 

If you’ve been following along my blog or if you know me, you know that I’m an avid control freak. Nothing new to some folks.  

With that being said, there were a lot of things that I had planned out with this pregnancy and birth of our new little. For example, I needed to know what day we were going to deliver so I asked the doctor to schedule it asap. I also knew that I was going to breast feed. When I had Caleb, our first born, over 11 years ago, I was young and had no patience to learn.  

But this time around I told myself, you are much older and wiser. You will have patience and you will remain calm so the baby can feed. After all, this is the very best for the baby.  

Within the first hour of our new one’s life, he was latching on and I was so thankful that all was looking good! Over the next couple of days in the hospital we went through endless cluster feedings, tons of lanolin cream, hot and cold presses and zero sleep. Our hospital was great and had a lactation nurse around the clock to come in and help whenever we needed her.  

Then on our third night of the hospital stay, the nurses came in and said, our sweet baby was down 10% of his weight and I needed to start pumping or supplementing formula.  

I was devastated. I couldn’t understand why I was having so much trouble. Why wasn’t my milk coming in already. And why on earth do I have these huge jugs if they are good for nothing! 

I began reading everything I could on how to produce more milk, different techniques, just about everything you could think of I was doing. I was reaching out to friends, on the phone with the lactation nurse for hours. But with each passing day, my breast were literally falling off.  

My nipples began cracking, bleeding, scabs were forming and to be honest they just looked absolutely disgusting. My husband even said they were on life support! I thought there is no way this can be healthy. We had our pediatrician appointment and she encouraged me to continue. They would heal over time she said, you just have to press on she said. So we did.  

I can’t explain to you how much I began dreading feeding time. It was just so painful and I was so worried that he was going to be drinking blood. Regardless of what they say and how it’s not harmless, it still grossed me out. I was always worried that he wasn’t getting enough milk. And with him feeding for 30 minutes on each side, plus I was pumping and giving him what I pumped. Each feeding session was well over an hour and half. My breast were never getting time to breath much less heal.  

I had my follow up appointment with my OB and I had her look at my breast. Her exact response was, “oh God. Yea that’s not ok.” That is just a little hint on how bad they looked. She told me that I needed a break. I needed to incorporate formula and give my breast time to heal. She informed me that they were just one step away from being infected. And that this wasn’t ok for me or for baby.  

I can’t tell you how upset I was. I wanted nothing more but to be super mom and breast feed my baby. I was so worried that if I took a break then I would stop producing and it wasn’t exactly like the milk supply was coming in at an abundance. I went home and cried with my husband. I just felt like a failure.  

My husband reminded me that the most important things are that baby gets fed and I get healthy. And that our first born was a formula fed baby and he is just as healthy as can be. The OB prescribed me a medicated cream and within the next couple of days I began to see a huge difference.  

I am now exclusively pumping and baby is getting formula once or twice a day with breast milk for the remainder of his feedings.   

I write this to encourage those mamas out there that feel like a failure because they can’t breast feed or perhaps they feel judged that they are formula feeding their babies. You must listen to your own body and do what’s best for not just your baby but for yourself too. At the end of the day, you are no good to anyone including your baby if you are unhealthy. Take care of yourself and those tatas! 😬👍🏽🐮



Lots of unknowns

I have a huge confession to make. And please, no judgement. But I am…….a CONTROL FREAK!!! Whew, there I said it. First step to recovery is admitting your faults correct? 
Every time I am in the passenger seat, with anyone driving, I am constantly pressing my make believe break. Drives my husband bananas! I am a horrible delegator. I would rather just do everything myself, even if it stresses me out and leaves me with zero sleep. It’s done, my way. I’m a planner. I need to know when we are doing it, how we are doing it, what’s it going to look like. There is absolutely nothing worse in my mind, then not knowing. Not knowing means, I’m not in control of it. And that to me, SUCKS!!

Well, here am I in the biggest season of the “Unknown” that I have ever been in, ever in life. And I am secretly pooping my pants. (Trying to keep it rated G but my mind is saying every rated R word). When my husband and I heard the news about our sweet baby, there were so many different emotions to process. Men & women obviously process differently so I can only speak for myself but once I got over the initial shock, I began to thank God for this child. Being told that you couldn’t have any more and getting pregnant was the best miracle ever! Then being told, well you have a 75% chance you’ll miscarry before the second trimester and being now 33 weeks pregnant is another miracle! So yes, there are so many things that I am grateful for! 

But let me let you in on a little bit of transparency here: I am scared poopless! (Once again, keeping it G rated) Not only are my children going to be 11 years apart, and we are basically starting completely over! Heck, when registering for the baby so many things have changed! A formula Keurig for goodness sake? Sheesh! Not to mention, my 11 year old is discovering girls and soon going through that stage of life. So on one hand we’ll be talking about the birds & bees to one kid while trying to potty train another! Ugh. 

But now, we are treading even more foreign waters. Are the doctors correct? Will Xander have a disability? What will that look like? What will that demand of us as parents? How will that change our lives? Can he go to daycare? Will I need to stay home and quit my job? Will he be able to crawl, sit up?

For someone who is a recovering control freak like me, these questions keep me up at night. In fact, they give me a little, or lot of anxiety. I need answers! And I need them now!! I need to plan! I need to know what to do to prepare!

It doesn’t work that way, does it? I hope my fellow control freaks weren’t planning on reading this blog to find answers on how to let go and fully trust God. Because I don’t have anything for you. NOPE. No answers. I have nothing.

I wish I could tell you it was easy to let go and let God. But it’s not. I have to remind myself about a million times a day that “His thoughts are higher than our thoughts” (Isaiah 55:9). And that He cares and provides for the birds, am I not more valuable to him than the birds? (Matthew 6:26). I know that whatever God has in store for me and my family, God has perfectly woven it all together from the very beginning to the very end. That He is not surprised by the doctor’s reports or my feelings. And that even before I was here on this earth, He fully equipped me to be a mother to Caleb and Xander (and maybe another one in the future).

If you are walking through something, control freak or not, I hope that this encourages you just a tiny bit. We are in this together.