I have a huge confession to make. And please, no judgement. But I am…….a CONTROL FREAK!!! Whew, there I said it. First step to recovery is admitting your faults correct?
Every time I am in the passenger seat, with anyone driving, I am constantly pressing my make believe break. Drives my husband bananas! I am a horrible delegator. I would rather just do everything myself, even if it stresses me out and leaves me with zero sleep. It’s done, my way. I’m a planner. I need to know when we are doing it, how we are doing it, what’s it going to look like. There is absolutely nothing worse in my mind, then not knowing. Not knowing means, I’m not in control of it. And that to me, SUCKS!!
Well, here am I in the biggest season of the “Unknown” that I have ever been in, ever in life. And I am secretly pooping my pants. (Trying to keep it rated G but my mind is saying every rated R word). When my husband and I heard the news about our sweet baby, there were so many different emotions to process. Men & women obviously process differently so I can only speak for myself but once I got over the initial shock, I began to thank God for this child. Being told that you couldn’t have any more and getting pregnant was the best miracle ever! Then being told, well you have a 75% chance you’ll miscarry before the second trimester and being now 33 weeks pregnant is another miracle! So yes, there are so many things that I am grateful for!
But let me let you in on a little bit of transparency here: I am scared poopless! (Once again, keeping it G rated) Not only are my children going to be 11 years apart, and we are basically starting completely over! Heck, when registering for the baby so many things have changed! A formula Keurig for goodness sake? Sheesh! Not to mention, my 11 year old is discovering girls and soon going through that stage of life. So on one hand we’ll be talking about the birds & bees to one kid while trying to potty train another! Ugh.
But now, we are treading even more foreign waters. Are the doctors correct? Will Xander have a disability? What will that look like? What will that demand of us as parents? How will that change our lives? Can he go to daycare? Will I need to stay home and quit my job? Will he be able to crawl, sit up?
For someone who is a recovering control freak like me, these questions keep me up at night. In fact, they give me a little, or lot of anxiety. I need answers! And I need them now!! I need to plan! I need to know what to do to prepare!
It doesn’t work that way, does it? I hope my fellow control freaks weren’t planning on reading this blog to find answers on how to let go and fully trust God. Because I don’t have anything for you. NOPE. No answers. I have nothing.
I wish I could tell you it was easy to let go and let God. But it’s not. I have to remind myself about a million times a day that “His thoughts are higher than our thoughts” (Isaiah 55:9). And that He cares and provides for the birds, am I not more valuable to him than the birds? (Matthew 6:26). I know that whatever God has in store for me and my family, God has perfectly woven it all together from the very beginning to the very end. That He is not surprised by the doctor’s reports or my feelings. And that even before I was here on this earth, He fully equipped me to be a mother to Caleb and Xander (and maybe another one in the future).
If you are walking through something, control freak or not, I hope that this encourages you just a tiny bit. We are in this together.